Why We Parent the Hard Way

Our local parent ed organization has the slogan, “Take a class . . . because loving your child is instinctive, but parenting is learned.”

It seems to me that you don’t have to read very deeply to come across an article or even a whole book decrying the amount of thought people put into parenting these days. The basic idea behind the complaint is that people have been parenting for ages and not thinking about it, so we're doing it wrong if we dwell.

Truth is, the world is a pretty f'ed up place full of unreflective parents who think their kids will be fine no matter what they do. Abuse is far too common and horrifying and makes all of our lives a worse place to live. And yelling constantly at your kids, and thinking they'll be fine as long as you also hug them when it's over, is walking through the world not paying attention to how you impact those around you. There are plenty of people like that. I think they could do with a little more self-reflection.

When people talk about the good old days when people didn’t think about parenting, I think about how much the family structure has changed since then. It’s not so long ago that the family was a vertical chain of command, with husbands on top, wives below and children at rock bottom. That’s just not how we do it anymore. And the logic that put men on top and kids at the bottom was a pretty ugly philosophy that had broad reaching ugly consequences.

Parenting through fear, back when people put less thought into being a parent, was not the good old days. People unapologetically taking out their frustration on children was not the good old days. There is less acceptance of child abuse of all sorts today, and we are all better for it. From the impact on an individual abused child to the impact such violence has on society as a whole, we are better for it.

Studies have shown that—while child abuse continues to be an intractable problem we need to face together as parent communities—it is on a downward trend that can’t be explained away by any single factor. We are simply less tolerant of violence toward children than previous generations.

Domestic violence of all sorts is no longer a joke you can make in advertising, which has actually been true in the past. Spanking is still a highly charged debate that ignites from time to time, but I think there is less social acceptance of that, too. Just imagine watching someone spank a child in public. Not a lot of people will be standing by thinking, “Yup, that’s what we do with kids who step out of line.”

From yelling to spanking to ongoing verbal and physical and sexual abuse, the idea of a husband or a mother ruling their household by threatened or actual violence is no longer acceptable in our society. I'm sure there was something "easier" about scaring your kids—and probably your wife, too—into "behaving." Children afraid of physical and emotional violence may be easier to keep in line than children who need to be spoken to and reasoned with and convinced to cooperate.

Anyone in the current grandparent generation will tell you that the way we parent is a lot harder than it used to be. Parent wasn’t even a verb back then. Children were seen and not heard.

We do put more thought into it and do make it harder for ourselves. I think we do things the harder way—we have time-outs that don’t always work, time-ins where we’re not quite sure we’re saying the right thing, we bribe inconsistently, we try to talk it out, we have consequences. And I think the hard way, rocky road as it is, is a better way.

We work our butts off trying to do the right thing. Trying to be good parents. Trying not to yell. And sometimes, I can admit, when we are at the absolute end of our ropes, even trying not to spank or shove or grab with hands that are too strong and too tight. But we work hard to build up our parenting toolbox with all kinds of tricks so we don’t go to that bad place. And mostly, the place where we fail is with yelling. And we continue to work on that.

To build up this toolbox, of tools to pull out when things aren’t going right, you have to talk about parenting. Hitting when you’re mad is instinct. Yelling at your kids comes easily. Learning how to be a better parent? That requires thought.

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Dry Cleaning, Car Seats & Other Reasons I Yell At My Kids

Do you yell at your kids? Apparently, we all do. From toddlers to teenagers, the number one complaint our kids have about our parenting is that we yell too much (according to studies I read about in All Joy and No Fun).

When I started writing this blog post, I couldn’t think of any fresh anecdotes about yelling. Well, all it took was picking up the kids from school and trying to drop off dry cleaning for that no longer to be true. (Oh, how I hate dropping off dry cleaning! So thankless! Such a high ratio of buckling and unbuckling to length of errand!)

There we were, the three of us, trying to cross the street to the cleaners, when a driver stopped to let us pass. This, my son decided, was just the time to pause in the middle of the road for the sole purpose of biting his sister. Apparently, she’d committed the crime of not wanting to hold his hand. Punishment: one bite. So, as the patient driver looked on, I yelled. Expletives were involved. I’m sure it was ugly to watch.

It happens. I hate to admit that I yell, but I also know that this isn’t the sort of shocking confession for which anyone is likely to be criticized. No one’s throwing stones at glass houses on that one. But I still think it’s important that I hate to say it and that I really do hate that I do it. Even if we all do it.

When we stop feeling bad about those times when we really, really yell at our kids, we open the door a little too much to social acceptance of yelling at children. And on the other side of that door is a place I'd rather not live with my kids.

I share this because I think it's important to share what a normal bad parenting day looks and feels like. So, I do think we should talk about yelling—why we yell, when we yell, what we do that works to stop the yelling.

It’s important to talk about this, because there’s yelling, and then there’s yelling. If we don’t talk out loud about the kind of yelling that is human imperfection, we risk it being equated with the kind of yelling that is as damaging as physical abuse. And I think there is a distinction—a know-it-when-you-see-it difference.

There is a huge difference between occasional, bad day yelling and unapologetic, unreflective, constant yelling. It’s the feeling bad about it and the trying to do better that is the difference. It’s the ability to learn from a bad day so you can have more good days that makes the difference. It’s finding more patience and more love so that, when your kids behave in age-appropriate but not situationally-appropriate ways, you can set boundaries and be their teacher.

There’s one scene I picture in my mind whenever I think of yelling at my kids. Putting my kids in their car seats. Some days I put my son in his car seat and I’m sweet with him, maybe even give him a kiss. And other days, going through the exact same motions, I’m putting him in his car seat and yelling at him, “Get in your seat! You’re not paying attention! Focus! Where’s the strap? This shouldn’t take so long!” I think it must seem so crazy to him, how sometimes he gets yelled at and sometimes he gets kissed.

He doesn’t know how crazy being late makes me feel. But I do. And I need it not to be a reason I yell at my kids. That and dry cleaning. 

PS. If you feel like you yell too much, you definitely need to know about the Orange Rhino lady.  She has said more smart things about yelling that I ever could.

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Why I Heart Stay-at-Home Dads

I recently read an essay that got me thinking again about stay-at-home dads. 

The number one piece of advice that writer gives to dads who fill the primary caregiver role in their family is this: “If you are a man contemplating lead parenting, one of your first imperatives should be to find other lead dads. You will need them.”

It’s the exact same thing I say to moms who are struggling with motherhood: Find other moms!

Here’s the problem, it’s in part because I say, “Find other MOMS,” that it’s so hard for stay-at-home dads to access the same support system that moms lean on so heavily.

It’s not just this one example. I tend to call gatherings “moms group” instead of “playgroup,” which would be more inclusive. I host a regular “Moms Happy Hour” that’s come to be attended by so many stay-at-home or lead parent Dads that I’ve had to change the name. “Parent Happy Hour” just doesn’t have the same ring to it, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the right thing to do. Those offering Mommy-Baby classes struggle with whether to call them Parent-Baby, only to be accused of sidelining childcare providers. It’s not perfect. It’s in progress.

Dads are shaking up things all around town and should continue to (nicely) demand their due recognition, to push into places where they belong just as much as any mom. They may find themselves more welcome than they expected, especially if they can manage to put themselves out there like moms do in the beginning of finding new parent friends.

This is really important and I have not always been good about it. I have caught myself feeling reluctant about having play dates with dads, and now I’m asking myself, “Why?”

The first time anyone ever asked me out on a play date, it was as risky and awkward and embarrassing as being asked on any kind of date. (I said yes, of course!) Most of those in my friend circles are married and well beyond the dating phase of their lives. Yet we now have play dates and family dates that seem every bit as high stakes. In so many ways, it’s exactly like dating—the potential for rejection, worrying someone is out of your league, hoping you will have anything in common.

And that’s one reason it’s different with dads. Men are people I’ve dated. In a whole different life, one left way, way, behind me now. Enough of me knows that play dates are not dating that I do it anyway, but I think women can be forgiven for having thoughts like these.

Another reason I think I’ve felt twinges of reluctance to play date with dads is this cultural stereotype floating around in the air that stay-at-home dads are men that cheat on their wives. I cannot think of a movie featuring a stay-at-home dad (those who aren’t gay) where that’s not part of the plotline. I don’t really think that the stay-at-home dads I know are out to have affairs, and have certainly never had a real life reason to worry about such a thing. But it’s just there anyway somehow.

And then, probably the biggest reason of all, moms are women. Dads are men. Women are just able to make connections to each other that aren’t possible with men. Our friendships are different and we need each other.

While I feel the need to apologize for the first two things, the third just is what it is. It’s why dads need dad-friends as much as they need women to open up their parent-group circles and be more welcoming.

This isn’t just to be nice. This is vital to the future of motherhood.

I think it’s time for women to reclaim motherhood, with a little help from the guys. Stay-at-home dads are the best thing to happen for women since the advent of birth control. Seriously. The best thing since birth control.

Being a stay-at-home mom is hard in this day and age. It’s tough for a college educated, career-tracked woman to step off that path and be totally ok with it. It’s hard not to feel like a bad feminist. It’s hard not to feel like a failure as a woman, even as you are doing this thing that is supposedly the fulfillment of your every need and desire as a woman.

The fact that there were men also doing what I was doing saved me from the feminist-failure spiral more than once. If it was only moms, I think I’d rather be working.

And the more stay-at-home dads around, the easier it will be for all of us to get back to work when we decide it's time. It will be part of a new normal--both men and women stepping aside for family and then stepping back to work. Somehow it seems crazy when it's only women doing it. But the stigma will be a lot harder to hold in place if men are doing it, too.

I’d love to see the gender balance skew even further toward equality. Better paternity leave, a paid family leave policy that is equal for male and female caregivers, and more flexible workplace rules would go a long way to making it a choice for anyone who wants to be at home with kids (or even aging parents or sick spouses!) to be there.

I would go as far as to say that women’s progress toward a more feminist motherhood as well as a more equal workplace depends on men’s progress. Fighting for them is fighting for ourselves. And that may just begin with a playgroup invitation.

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25 Quiet Milestones (the Early Years)

1.      All the firsts—smile, rollover, crawl, walk, word—seem over.

2.      When the baby doesn’t need you to hold the bottle, thank you very much.

3.      The first time someone asks you out for a play date.

4.      Realizing you should buy a back up I-can’t-sleep-without-it lovey.

5.      Making it through the first year.

6.      Making it through your last first year.

7.      Crying in front of a mom you hardly know.

8.      Being done with baby gates and bed rails and less guilt over the baby-proofing you never did.

9.      No more diaper bag.

10.   Holding someone else’s baby when you no longer have one.

11.   Ditching the stroller and then wishing you could move as fast as you did with the stroller.

12.   Teaching them how to vacuum up their own cereal from the couch.

13.   First babysitter leaves for college.

14.   First repeated curse word.

15.   Watching their face when they learn that not everyone in the world is good or nice or safe.

16.   A teacher calls to tell you someone bit someone.

17.   Forgetting one of those “wear this” days at school.

18.   First “I hate you! You are the worst mom ever!”

19.   First request for a play date with a kid you don’t like.

20.   The first time your kids bond over being yelled at by their parents.

21.   The ease of only a booster seat.

22.   The first time you pay for a class they won’t attend.

23.   You can’t remember the last time you wiped someone else’s bum.

24.   Both kids have play dates and you don’t know what to do with yourself.

25.   Catching your breath knowing there will be no more babies. 

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Someone Has to Be the Wife

It’s 11:30 in the morning on a Tuesday and I can’t find a parking spot at the local mall.

Who are all of these people who are running to Target in the middle of a workday?  In my imagination, it breaks down something like this: retirees, moms with babies, people running errands at an early lunch, a parent taking her kid out to lunch after a doctor appointment, people who work at night, unemployed people, freelancers.

If everyone works the 9 to 5 life we all assume most people live, this thing would collapse. Someone has to take the kid to the doctor. Someone has to pick up the dry cleaning. Someone has to buy a gift for the birthday party this weekend. Someone has to write a blog post… Okay, maybe not that one… But seriously, what are all of these people doing here? Shouldn’t they be at work?

In the last month, being newly home again, with kids in school for most of the day, I have crossed so many things off my to-do list, things that have been piling up since the first kid was born. I mean, I’m still not unpacked from moving two years ago, but I did manage to clean out the fridge, organize the hall closet, get some shoes repaired, re-organize the kitchen so things aren’t spilling out from every cabinet.

It’s a really boring list, actually, but it feels great to cross things off of it. I’ve even done the dishes on a semi-regular basis. Still need to work on getting to the grocery store for more than the things we needed yesterday. But I have been working out and writing and doing volunteer work. I might even find time to read a book one of these days.

“The list” got especially long while my husband and I were both working—at least when I was home with kids I could get one or two things done on any given day. But with both of us employed? So. Much. Stress. We contracted out what we could—sent the laundry to be washed, got groceries delivered, had someone clean our house occasionally. We’re lucky to be able to do that. But there’s only so much you can pay other people to do for you if you’re not Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.

Have I mentioned recently how much I love stay-at-home dads? Love. Them.

If there were no stay at home dads, I would have a much, much harder time with “not working.” If all of the everything-that-needs-to-be-done-to-keep-a-family-running-along-somewhat-smoothly was only done by women, I would totally quit. But these days, there are these magical creatures called “dads” and some of them even do the things that “moms” are supposed to do.

There is no good reason why it should be the female partner who “stays home” and does all of these things, but it’s not like it can just be ignored. If today’s work culture feels dated in the way it assumes that everyone has a spouse at home to manage the family’s business, today’s marriages, with our Gen X opinion that men should pitch in, are working to upend the assumption that it should always be a female spouse who does that work. Dads can do it too and these days, some of them are.

To me, they feel like feminist heroes, fighting for equal access to do what has long been women’s work and supporting their working wives. (I don’t know how to navigate this discussion with equal emphasis on all of every possible pronoun, which is another way in which traditional marriage is being modernized—newly-married gay and lesbian couples need to manage the same crap as the rest of us. When they ask the “who should do what?” question, it opens up the possible answers for all of us just a little bit more.)

A stay-at-home dad friend told me he called this job the “cruise director.” Who knows what you do, but there’s a lot of it and it never ends.

I’m not saying that it’s not possible for both spouses to work, especially once the kids are in school for large parts of the week. There’s before care and after care and summer camps and day-off activities and a million other ways that American parents have pasted together a “We can make this work!” collage. But someone has to find the aftercare, sign up for the camps before they fill up, stay home with sick kids.

Most jobs just aren’t flexible enough to account for the fact that the person doing them is a human being with, if not children, parents, friends, hobbies, need for air and food and exercise. Maybe you can squeeze in a run at the gym during lunch and grocery shopping every Sunday, followed by making the meals for the week that you won’t have enough time to make after a long workday. I’m tired just writing about it.

With my first post-motherhood stint at “working” now behind me, I can now announce first-hand what everyone already knows—this way of life is no way to live. Not happily. Not for long. Because eventually, you will have a kid who gets the flu for two weeks or a spouse who’s in the hospital or a parent who dies, and you won’t be able to help it. Your human side will show.

When I say “Someone Needs to Be the Wife,” I don’t mean that these are womanly things for women to do and that not doing them is shirking some biological responsibility. I have plenty of male friends who are better at cruise directing—and happier to do it—than their other half. I sincerely hope that, as more and more men want to be involved in their children’s lives and want to share the to do list with their spouse, this will feel less gendered.

Maybe as we notice more male cruise directors, the value of the work that cruise directors do will be heightened. If it’s not just the work of wives, maybe we will be able to admit that it does still need to be done by someone—whether it’s one spouse or the other, shared evenly or divided in an individualized “works-for-us” kind of way or even delegated out to paid professionals. It won’t, however, go the way of the dodo just because the forever-at-home wife and mother is fast becoming a thing of the past.

So, a hearty salute to all the men who are running errands and buying birthday presents and cooking dinner side-by-side with me today. Thank you for being “the wife” so I don’t have to be only and forever “the wife.” Thank you for making the phrase “women’s work” sound pre-historic. Your feminism is so necessary.

Supposedly Good Parenting Advice I Don’t Follow

BE CONSISTENT.

While I fully embrace the idea of consistency (of schedule, of rules, of rituals…) as a comfort to little ones, I also think it can make us unwittingly model for our children how to be stubborn. And who wants to mother a toddler who refuses to budge or a kid who gets stuck or teenager who always wants “their way”? I learned this one from another mom: sometimes it's ok to cave. It’s ok to say "You know what? I changed my mind." It will get us out of some tough spots and it will show our kids how to let go and be flexible. I love when my kids are mid-tantrum and then say, “I changed my mind."

PRESENT A UNITED FRONT.

It's a blessing to have a co-parent who can tell you when you've gone too far. Sometimes they're wrong and sometimes they're right, but we are all bad parents from time to time. Why is it so important that my husband and I agree on everything? I don’t mean that you should confuse your little one, but it’s good to show them how two people can peacefully resolve a conflict. Knowing that people can disagree and still love one another is a revelation to kids who are picking their friends based on who wears pigtails just like they do. But if my husband says no dessert, and I think my daughter has eaten well all day and a bite of chocolate is a small indulgence, is not a big deal. You can disagree, Out loud. In front of the kids. If you can do it in a way that teaches them something—save the ugly, everything-you-do-is-just-wrong fights for alone time.  When my we give different answers to the kids, we just say something like, “Daddy and I disagree, so we’ll have to talk about it and figure it out and let you know.” Teaching your kid how to fight nicely is a good thing. 

DON'T INTERVENE UNLESS THERE'S BLOOD.

I understand that siblings—and friends—need to work things out on their own. But how will they know how to do that unless we show them? No human is born knowing the best way to solve a disagreement. Two-year-olds, or even six-year olds, are still learning the skills they need to happily navigate the world. And we are here to teach them. So, sure, sometimes it’s ok to hang back and see if kids can figure out how to solve a problem on their own, but if we wait until things get out of hand before stepping in, we aren’t teaching, we’re disciplining.

SPANKING ISN'T A BIG DEAL, AND EVERYONE DOES IT. 

No. Just no. I have never met a parent who spanks their kid who wasn’t spanked when they were a kid. No one who wasn’t spanked thinks, “You know what my parent should have done? Hit me to get me to listen.” That’s one reason it’s clear to me it’s an unproductive, wrong-headed way to parent. And I really don’t understand that people who spank seem to think that it’s ok to do it to kids who are toddlers, but would never ever think it’s ok to hit a teenager. How could it possibly be more proper to hit a small child? Riddle me that. I know parenting little kids can be crazy-making hard, but physical violence doesn’t solve anything and will never be a good way to parent. If you feel headed in that direction, do whatever you can (read, google, ask friends or family) to get some more tools for your parenting toolbox.

 IT'S OK TO YELL. (OR: YELLING IS AS BAD AS HITTING.)

This one is so grey, which is probably why most parents either think that’s it’s totally fine or totally wrong. When I feel myself starting to yell, there’s are questions I try to answer for myself first—How much of this is about me and how much is about them? Am I having a bad day? Have I dealt with this bad behavior better another time? Could I have done something differently an hour before things came to this? There’s a big gray territory between verbal abuse and occasional slips. But when the occasions come too often, see above about the parenting toolbox.

TIME-OUTS ARE A GOOD WAY TO DEAL WITH BAD BEHAVIOR.  

This is a very common way for parents to deal with those “All-Stop” moments (as my favorite preschool guru would call it). When a kid is hitting or biting or throwing a tantrum or venturing into that zone, the idea that setting them apart from everyone else, fixes nearly nothing. It is embarrassing and not instructional, even if it sometimes seems like the only option. I like to think that giving myself a time-out, so I can cool down or think straight, works better. I like the idea of having a time-in instead. Yes, you should first make sure the kid who has just been bitten is ok, but then it’s time to talk it out with the biter. Just because it is a cry for attention, doesn’t mean it’s wrong to give them attention. When kids behave in an out-of-control way, they need something. From you. Figure out why.

IN THE BEGINNING, YOU'LL NEVER SHOWER (AND THIS I OK.)

Please shower. Not because you stink or haven’t been able to wash your hair for a week. Shower even if your baby is crying—just force yourself to do it. You know those morning shower epiphanies? It’s no coincidence that when you take a step back from whatever you’re all wrapped up doing and can breathe your own air, you have your clearest thoughts. I once heard that the biggest source of stress is feeling indispensible. As a mom, it’s so easy to get stuck thinking that no one can do for your baby what you do. Maybe it’s true, but even then, don’t let yourself be the only one who can watch the baby. Put the baby somewhere safe, even if that's a bouncy seat just outside the tub. Let your husband do things wrong. Let your mother have some grandchild time alone. The five or ten minutes you gift yourself with in the form of a good old shower, will make you a better mom when you return. Even if they have to cry. Also you're not going crazy if you hear phantom baby crying in the shower. I can't explain why, but I do know that lots of other moms hear it too. 

Confession: The Annoying Thing My Husband Does To Be Nice

I live near DC, where a lot of people’s spouses travel for work. Some are gone for weeks or months at a time or a few days every week. I really have nothing to complain about, but what fun would that be?

During my husband’s last trip, longer than most, I had to admit something to myself—it’s just not fun when he calls home.

I get that his job involves social events—dinners, drinks. But calling to say good night for bedtime inevitably involves him not being able to hear us and me only hearing the sound of grown-up revelry. The kids at this point aren’t hearing anything, because when things aren’t fun, they just walk away.

Or when we talk in the morning, he’s just rolling out of bed after a lovely night of sleeping in a room alone, knowing no one was going wake him. If he’s tired, it’s because he was out late. Poor thing. Meanwhile, I’m trying to wrangle unbrushed teeth, grab a to-go breakfast, and get kids out the door, which is basically the least fun thing parenting has to offer.

Adding a phone call to our bedtime routine isn’t exactly seamless. It just gives me another to-do. Brush teeth, wash everyone’s face, and don’t forget to call daddy to say good night.

The kids really do miss him when he’s gone—they tell me so several times a day. And they even think they want to call him on the phone, but it’s “Hi, Daddy!” and then they’re out. It’s not fun—it’s annoying.

It’s not that I don’t think he should call. He should. In fact, if he didn’t, I’d be pissed. So it is a bit unfair to say that it sucks, but it does suck.

Single-parenting (and I use the term loosely, in the temporary, it’s a verb not a noun kind of way) while a spouse is gone is the kind of thing for which one should earn bonus points. To be cashed in for a day off or a night away. I know. Keeping score is petty. Oh well. I earned those points with hard work and phone calls home do not subtract some because you’re helping out via conference call. Not until there’s technology for brushing kids teeth via Skype.

No phone call is going to make it easier. In fact, every phone call makes it a little harder. With each call, he reinserts himself back into the world he’s left behind, and the kids are reminded that their daddy is gone. So when they’re not distracted and paying no attention, they’re start whining about how much they miss him.

If I was the one away, I’d probably want to say good-night, too. There’s no perfect answer here. I realize he can’t win.

But I do think that traveling parents should disabuse themselves of the notion that they’re doing anyone a favor with those phone calls.

Of course, I will always pick up the phone and say, “I miss you. I love you. The kids miss you. They love you.” It’s all true. But what I really want to say is, “You know what? I’m doing this. I got it. I can handle things without you. So don’t try to make yourself feel better by keeping us on the phone.”

It’s a lot easier to just be in an on-my-own mode, enjoying any benefits that come with making all of the decisions and doing whatever we want. Like not having anyone annoyed if bedtime is late or dinner was lame or the kids aren’t bathed or whatever else having your co-parent around reminds you that you’re not doing quite right.

A military-wife friend, whose husband went on long deployments for much of their marriage, told me that there are three phases with every absence—before, during and after. For me, it’s “I’m hunkering down so leave me alone,” “Wow—this is actually manageable and I’m totally doing it so I rock,” and “Now it’s your turn, cuz that was exhausting.” The easiest time is the actual time away. Totally unfair, I know.

I love my husband, but nowhere is it written that I have to love the calls home. And now it’s written that I don’t. But, dear husband, don’t think this means you’re not calling home anyway. Because we love you, dammit.

And we will be really happy when we see you again.

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